Posted on 05 Sep, 2008 -
Bad weather and recession: How does it affect your ‘love life’?
Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Part 2
Surviving financial strains… Keeping the LUST alive… Keeping the LOVE alive… But also keeping YOU alive as well…
It might be as simple as buying them a packet of Rolos, telling them WHY you love them… or a just a nice big cuddle
With the appalling weather and the constant talk of recession putting our will to live let alone our relationships to the test, I thought it would be a good moment to dig out that ‘Happy Marriages: Part 2’ email I promised you some weeks ago.
With shopping, eating out and even full-on central heating now getting pushed more and more off the agenda for many, we are all going to have to spend more quality time snuggled up in layers of woolies with our spouses this winter.
So just what effect might a recessionary environment have on our love lives?
A brief comparison between the charts for divorce and the stock market over the past years would lead me to make an initial conclusion that when times are good, divorce rates go down and vice versa. A recent article in The New Statesmen, however, suggests that when recession really hits, divorce becomes unaffordable.
We will have to rely more on each other for happiness and mutual support
The obvious solution? We must work harder at our relationships. Not only can financial strains cause a lot of stress and potential problems in marriage but we may also become more dependent on each other for emotional and moral support.. and even entertainment and meaning.
Surviving financial strains without fighting over the shopping list
In terms of the financial strains themselves (I can already see a daily war of tactics being fought over the thermostat control in my own house these coming winters), we will all need to ensure that we keep each other informed about what’s going on. No harboring secrets or sneeking off to work in a suit but changing into your beggar’s outfit at Kings Cross station. No harboring of resentments nor attempting to shoulder all the worries on your own.
If you find yourself wishing catastrophe on your spouse because they have spent too much on the washing up liquid or their socks then address the issue now before it escalates out of control.
And more importantly still, perhaps, be ready to acknowledge the fact that it may well be personal and financial strain putting strain on your marriage rather than the marriage itself breaking down.
Keeping LOVE alive. Got to be worth five minutes?
So on the positive side, what can we do to keep the fires of love burning and our loving bond an endless source of support, comfort, fun and joy? By making a special effort to make those things happen. By being creative about what we do together. And by nurturing and paying attention to this most precious thing that we have.
In the Relate book of Better Relationships by Sarah Litvinoff, for example, I was particularly taken by this tip on making each other feel loved and looked after:
“Have you got into the habit of giving each other a quick peck on greeting or parting, or barely noticing whether your partner has left or arrived?
“Agree to take five minutes to do this properly at he beginning and end of a day. Concentrate your full attention on each other: touch, smile and be pleasant. If you know your partner is in for a hard day, let him or her know you’ll be thinking about it.”
In the same book I also found a brilliant story of a married couple of American psychologists that were going through such a rough patch in their marriage that they were thinking of divorcing. As an experiment they made a pact with each other that for the next three months they would act as if they were happily married. By the end of the three months of behaving lovingly and respectfully towards each other they no longer wanted to divorce.
Think of the reasons why you fell in love with each other in the first place. What did you used to do in the early days to express and enjoy your love together?
What can you do to make your partner’s life a happier one?
What things can you do as a team to make your life a really good one?
And it doesn’t, of course, have to cost money. Telling your partner how much you appreciate what they do for you - or complementing them on something they’ve done that you feel proud of - could do a lot more for their happiness than buying them a present. Proposing fish and chips at the end of a pier may be more enjoyable and romantic than a meal at the same old restaurant.
Keeping the LUST alive: Good sex is better for you than a pay rise apparently…
If there was anything that was easier said than done then it may actually be this. In fact, the funniest advice I ever read on this was “drink a bottle of vodka and get naked in the kitchen”. When it comes to compensating for lack of financial gain, however, there is apparently nothing finer…
A study carried out by Dartmouth College economist David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick concluded that if we increase the amount of sex we have from once a month to once a week it will offer us the equivalent increase in life satisfaction as getting an extra £20,000 to £30,000 in salary.
Fortunately, however, there’s no need to go Turkey A L’Orange or whatever the opposite to cold turkey might be. Experts say that the best way to start might be by scheduling in time to just have more fun together - doing the things you did together when you were first dating. Moving up from there, even an increase in the amount of touching, hugging or kissing you do is better than nothing.
The main thing, perhaps, is to move the idea of sexual bonding up in your list of priorities. (I.e. Above getting the ironing put away or finishing your sudoku puzzle.)
If sex is a problem then it may be worth exploring what sex means to you and your first encounters of it and how that affects your sex life now. It is also important to make sure that you are both aware of how your sexual needs and preferences change over the years.
Keeping YOU alive
While we have mainly been concentrating here on the idea of bonding and working together, another key ingredient to happiness in marriage is keeping hold of your individuality and a certain amount of autonomy. If your life (or even mind or self) becomes too encased in your marital or family situation you can start feeling trapped, dragged down or de-energised as a person.
Yes do things together. But also ensure you have interests apart as well. Nurture each other as individuals - as well as nurturing your relationship.
Look after each other.
