Posted on 25 Feb, 2009 -
Changing the Laws of Life
This is one of the most destructive dangers that lurk in the workings of the human mind
Becoming aware of how it works could change the way you look at your life, your family and the world around you for ever
Please take the time to read this....
Wow!
That is what I thought this week when I had an enormous ‘eureka’ moment about life and the human mind. I can’t say that I have been blissfully happy ever since or that the sun has been shining constantly. But a couple of things have changed quite considerably.
Here’s what happened…
I was sat in the viewing area at the swimming pool reading a book about science when I was hooked by the idea that scientists conducting experiments only see what they are looking for or are expecting to find.
Before Chaos theory took off, in fact, scientists had regularly just ignored or found excuses for experiments that showed randomness because they were looking for rules and regularity that fitted in with their understanding of the world.
We only see what we are expecting to see in life - whether it’s our husband’s uselessness, our boss’s meanness or the the meaningless of life
And the thing that struck me was that we do exactly the same in our daily lives. We see what we are looking for. We think that things are a certain way so that is what we expect to see. And because that is what we expect to see, that is generally the main thing we do see.
Take my eldest daughter, for example. Probably at least partly because I was an inexperienced mother when I first had her, I have always found her a little difficult. And she is also very sensitive. And that, perhaps, was the biggest part of the eureka for me:
Because of the way my mind has ‘labeled’ my daughter, the first things I see when I look at her (especially if we’re having a bad day) are often her over-sensitivity and the fact that she is ‘difficult’. But by pushing myself to see and look for things beyond this, there is so much beauty and kindness and goodness in her that it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it.
So how about you?
What are the first words or thoughts that come into your head - especially on a bad day - when you think about your spouse, your kids, your boss, yourself, your situation, or just life?
And isn’t it funny how those are the things that we so often see, pick up on and exaggerate?
We make opinions or generalisations in our minds about things and then fail to see beyond that
Here are a few more examples to get you thinking:
* I remember reading once about a man who had come to the conclusion early in his marriage that his wife was bad with money. The truth, in fact, was that she wasn’t but whenever he looked at what she spent that was all that he could see.
* Do you ever find that you pay more attention to the mistakes you have made instead of what’s good about what you’ve done because for some reason you’re always looking for your failings?
* My mother thinks that all men are “bastards” (excuse the language, her word not mine). Isn’t it funny that bastards are the only kind of men she ever seems to meet?
* “My situation is hopeless.” said the man. “There is nothing I can do to change it.” And lo and behold he couldn’t…
* In the Transactional Analysis school of psychotherapy, Eric Berne said that at an early age we form opinions about ourselves and the world that we spend the rest of our lives trying to prove or fulfill. Even if it is exactly these opinions that cause us pain and destruction, we can’t help ourselves from collecting more evidence to support them. If a child, for example, feels ‘no matter what I do, people never seem to praise me’ they will spend their lives seeing evidence of just this - and ignoring most forms of evidence that would serve to contradict it.
* And then, of course, there are the opinions that we form throughout our later lives. “The woman down the road is snooty.” “We never have enough money."or “I am the kind of woman who looks Mumsy”, for example. Then, from thereon in, all we see when we look is evidence that confirms our opinions - much as the scientists in the book I was reading only had eyes for the results that backed up their theories of science or laws of nature.
I am not, of course, saying that you can change the way things are just by thinking about the differently. But rather that the rules, assumptions, labels and stereotypes that our minds create can sometimes prevent us from seeing the bigger picture beyond them.
Gaining the power to change our situation, our feelings, or our responses to life
Indeed, by softening the rigid views we have of different things, we can in a way change the way they are by changing how we see them. Alternatively, by realising that things might actually be different from how we believe they are, we can gain the power to change our situation.
The first step, of course, as always, is becoming aware of the opinions, judgements or Laws of Life we have made and rigidly stick to. The second step is taking a look beyond those.
The person, above, for example, who believed ‘We never have enough money’ could make big changes to the way they feel about money all the time by identify that this view may not be particularly true or helpful. There is also a good chance that by changing their opinion they can also change the reality.
The person who has the opinion that “I am the kind of woman who always looks Mumsy” might realise that they actually have the power to change that if they wish.
Understanding how our minds work can be enormously empowering. Making changes takes determination, enthusiasm and an acceptance that we can become other than what we have come to see as ‘me’.
It is sometimes difficult to say goodbye to even our weakest traits as a person because oddly over time we have in some way become proud and even fond of them. On some occasions we use them for excuses for our overall failure and fear that by losing them there’ll be nothing left to blame for our failures.
Here’s to a freer, braver future!
