Posted on 23 May, 2008 -
Emotional bad habits that make us feel terrible
Stop constantly rating yourself
Stop judging yourself too harshly
And watch out for your use of these key ‘nasty’ words that make you feel terrible…
I have always been of the opinion that there are still a lot of faults in human nature - especially in our dealings with our internal emotional lives.
Now that we have built jet airplanes, decoded DNA and created digital media and correspondence, it does seem that more and more people are looking inwards for progress in this area as well. And fortunately there is also now more and more guidance in this area too.
This week I have been reviewing a copy of the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies by Rob Willson and Rhena Branch and have picked out three strong key messages for you.
Firstly, I was very taken by a small idea in the book that says that “ratings are inappropriate to the human condition”.
Many of us spend a lot of our time rating ourselves for how well we have done at different things throughout the day, from whether we were interesting in our chats at the social gathering to the niceness of our house and our success and failings at work or with our children. Yet the fact that we do this is both destructive and excessive.
Take any human being and divide them up into a million pieces and there will be all kinds of behaviour making them up. There will be times when they were brilliant at a certain job or skill and days when they messed up. There will be occasions when they told a lie, were mean to their child or committed a bad act. There will be occasions when they showed great goodness, were the perfect parent or sacrificed their own happiness for another. There will be beauty in some places, ugliness in others. Great things and bad things. Because that is the way that ALL human beings are.
Was Winston Churchill a good man and politician? One man who worked with him said that 90% of the ideas he had were really awful - but that he had flashes of brilliance. Many admired him but many found him impossible to be with.
Is the CEO of a large company good at his job as well as good at life? Do none of his staff complain about his behaviour? Does he never mess up?
HOW TO CHANGE: The key here is to recognise that ALL humans including yourself are FALLIBLE. On occasions where you feel you have failed, accept it and move on. Realise that as a whole you are a great human being - don’t get hung up on some of the parts (or pasts). (Would you, after all, spend the rest of your life thinking you were a super human being just because you did something great once?!)
Judge yourself as you would a best friend
When a best friend arrives dressed up nicely for a party, do you think she looks terrible because she has wrinkles around her eyes or her shoes don’t quite match her dress? Do you think that your friend is a failure in life because he has only ever worked as a postman?
It is amazing, in fact, the extent to which most of us employ double standards. We will judge those around us far more leniently than we ever judge ourselves, often giving ourselves a hard time for things we would just accept as par for the course in colleagues or friends.
Is it that you feel that you should be perfect - while it’s OK for everyone around you to be naturally imperfect? Why should you have to reach higher standards than others to be acceptable, free from blame and happy?
HOW TO CHANGE: “Be aware that you may be making yourself feel extremely guilty, or ashamed, inappropriately. If you wouldn’t like to see anyone else feeling such extreme emotions in response to the same transgression you’ve committed, then you’re applying a double standard that’s loaded against you.”
Watch out for harsh words
Single words can be incredibly powerful and can have an enormous effect on the human mind.
It is likely that you are not even aware of some of the destructive vocabulary that you might use on yourself.
“Humans often call themselves losers, idiots, failures, stupid, or unlovable”.
It might feel like a harmless bit of self-berating at the time but if you repeat words like these often enough you will come to believe them.
Another place where the wrong word can be destructive is when you’re anticipating an event or something you need to do. Having to make a phonecall may be labelled ‘awful’, for example, or the meeting you have this week may be labelled ‘terrible’ in your mind.
AIM: Watch out for words that make matters worse.
“Instead of muttering ‘I’m such an idiot for missing that deadline,’ try saying: ‘Missing that deadline was a really bad move. I’m really disappointed about it.’”
Instead of thinking ‘Oh no, making that phone call is going to be horrible’, try saying something like ‘I seem to feel a bit worried about making that phone call but like all these things, it will be over quickly and it’s never as bad as I think’.
Don’t let your thoughts run away with you and create feelings you don’t want to feel
The key to remember in all things to do with our internal goings on is that the thoughts that you think make you feel how you feel.
Whenever you realise that you are feeling bad or unhappy, listen in to the thoughts that are going on in your head.
Are those thoughts appropriate? Could they be kinder? Are you judging yourself too harshly or giving yourself a harder time than you need to?
Then consciously replace those words with some new key sentences/thoughts for the situation.
Our thoughts can sometimes act like a very harsh commentator on our lives. But it’s your head, remember, so you can decide what it is that the voice says!
