Posted on 09 Jun, 2011 -
Finding Meaning in Pain and Suffering
However wonderful life is, sometimes we can’t help feeling a little sad, let down, lonely, miserable or lost
A dose of tough love for all those trials and tribulations we face on our journey
Finding meaning in our pain and suffering
Dear Reader,
Life is not easy. Although beautiful and sublime and generous in its abundance, it is still full of struggles, of daily frustrations and sometimes a lot of suffering and pain.
No matter how content or happy we are generally, there are still difficulties we all need to struggle through - along with the days, weeks and even months when we just feel sad, let down, lonely, miserable or lost… for no particularly good reason.
I surprised myself this week, in fact, when I found myself unable to summon any positive energy to read or to work, and then attracted to a chapter in a book entitled ‘Finding Meaning in Pain and Suffering’. Sure, I knew that I was feeling a bit moody and grumpy and there was one of those sad/frustrated/dark/dissatisfied/’life not going how I want it to’ shadows hanging over my week…
... but surely ‘pain and suffering’ was going a bit far?!
Life isn’t perfect so we’d better get used to it!
Part of the truth (and I guess we can never expect to know the whole truth) is that a lot of our pain and suffering comes from our own perception of how our life is and how it should be.
Sure, ‘bad’ things happen to us and life just ain’t ‘easy’ all of the time - especially as we are constantly having to deal with our interactions with and the problems of other people in our lives. But then the mad thing is that a lot of the anger, stress and emotional pain we suffer on account of life’s constant little set backs and struggles actually comes more from our inability just to accept them as par for the course.
We are constantly labelling things as ‘bad’ when they are not really so terrible. We are constantly getting cross and angry and upset about things that we will completely have forgotten about next week - and that probably weren’t even worth worrying about in the first place.
In fact, a lot of the pain we suffer is due to our expectation that our own life should always be pain-free and ‘easy’ - and our inability to accept any kind of minor blip on this perfect journey.
Of course, there will be some sadness and upset in our relationships with others. Of course there will be setbacks and disappointments. And of course there will be illness and pain.
Stop getting so upset about every little thing that doesn’t do exactly what you wanted it to
One book which has acted as a good soothing balm for my terrible pain and suffering (ha, ha, ha!) is ‘Are You Ready to Succeed?‘. Written by Srikmar Rao, a professor at leading business schools, this is really a brilliant self-help/personal development/positive psychology book dressed up as a business success book.
One thing that Professor Rao is very good at is reminding us that a lot of our stress and suffering is caused by the fact that we all live in such a ‘Me-centred’ universe.
We think about everything that happens in the world around us in terms of how it will affect us. We are always SO UPSET about anything that we perceive is going to impact upon our lives in the slightest way negatively. And our ideal plan - the plan that we continually hold out for - is that everything will go our way, everybody will think that we are great, and the whole universe will work in such a way that nothing is ever difficult for us and we will able to be constantly happy. (A slight exaggeration, perhaps, but at the animal level, that’s pretty much how we are.)
Unfortunately, say Rao, ”you will find that the Universe has an unfortunate tendency of not paying any attention at all to what ‘you’ want, and that is hard to accept. That lack of acceptance is the source of all the stress in your life.”
When things don’t turn out perfectly or when the people in your life don’t act in the ways that you want them to ”You punish yourself by being uptight, anxious, irritable and depressed. You punish those close to you by snapping at them, being emotionally withdrawn, not spending time with them, and being generally unhappy.”
Hassle and setbacks are a natural part of the journey
Whatever action we do in our lives, we expect or at least hope for the outcome to be positive. But as Rao points out, even when our intentions and are actions are right and good, there is no accounting for the way the rest of the world and other people will respond to our action and the result that will be returned. In fact, a lot of the time we will not actually get the result that we hoped for and our attempts will be frustrated.
So what can we do? We can understand that this is the case and accept whatever outcome occurs instead of causing ourselves pain by being miserable about it or resisting it. We can also stop labeling everything that happens which is not quite what we wanted or expected as ‘bad’ and realise that this is just the way it is and it might even turn out for the better…
Back to the subject of Pain and Suffering for a minute… and how thinking about OTHERS can be helpful
The other book that I had originally turned to with its chapter on pain and suffering was ‘The Art of Happiness’ by the Dalai Lama (and Howard Cutler).
Again in this book, it says that relief from pain and suffering can be sought by turning our thoughts away from our own suffering and having compassion for the suffering of others.
We are not alone in this world and my suffering is no more or less important than the suffering of another. Each individual is equal to us and no more nor no less important.
”When you are aware of your pain and suffering, it helps you to develop your capacity for empathy, the capacity which allows you to relate to other people’s feeling and suffering.”
“When undergoing any form of suffering or hardship, one can use this practice to enhance one’s compassion by visualizing relieving others who are going through similar suffering, by absorbing and dissolving their suffering into your own - a kind of suffering by proxy.”
Finding meaning in your own suffering
Another, connected way to help yourself find some relief during times of pain and suffering is to find some kind of meaning in your suffering. Is your suffering, for example, a necessary side effect of the help and support you choose to give to those you love and look after? Will something good eventually come out of this period of pain? Is this suffering or pain a necessary flip side of something that has offered you a lot of pleasure in our life - or that will do so in the future?
There is also always the fact that our general experience of suffering acts as ”a unifying force that connects us with others. Perhaps that is the ultimate meaning behind our suffering. It is our suffering that is the most basic element that we share with others, the factor that unifies us with all living creatures.”
Yes. All very humbling… And yet also uplifting…
Best wishes
