Posted on 08 Oct, 2008 -
Forgive them their sons
My mother has a funny attitude to boy babies: she thinks they are “wrong”.
Having been blessed with two girls myself and observed the young boy children of their age, I’m beginning to see her point. (My apologies to all of you that have them. And I know I’ve got it coming when they’re teenagers!)
It wasn’t exactly a good ice-breaker, though, at her first meeting with my mother-in-law. I’m not sure whether her backpedaling observation that my husband was more like a woman anyway helped the matter either.
Is the gap between the sexes closing?
One thing I will say about both of our mothers, however, is that they’ve done a really good job in raising children who don’t have a dividist attitude towards the sexes. I have never felt myself to be lesser than any man - or even that I’ve been that prejudiced against for being a woman. My husband is very happy for me to paint the windows while he cooks the Sunday roast and has even been known to clean the toilet…
So yes, I do believe that the sexes are getting closer. But there is still that thing about men not really talking about their emotions.
According to Alon Gratch, a therapist specialising in men and author of If Men Could Talk: Translating the Secret Language of Men,
“What brings men to therapy and what they end up talking about in therapy are two different matters. For one thing, at the beginning of therapy many men don’t talk at all - that is, about anything significant or interesting. In a sense, men come to therapy because they don’t talk. Since their unconscious philosophy is that talk is cheap and that actions speak louder than words, they often enter therapy in the same way that they drive: rather than ask for directions, they keep on going until they reach a dead end, are lost, or have an accident.”
How I got my husband to talk about everything that was on his mind
When I read this today, the idea that “actions speak louder than words” rang a bell with me and reminded of something that happened to me recently.
First of all, my husband had been acting a bit differently of late. Normally I probably would have just let it pass but I had been reading something that day about the psychology of relationships that made me step up my actions on this occasion. You see, although we talk constantly as a couple, my analysis had made me realise that perhaps I don’t pay enough attention to what ‘s going on for my husband at an emotional level.
So what I nudged myself to realise on this occasion was that he seemed to be acting in a way he always does when he’s feeling a bit threatened. When the status quo at work has become a bit rocky.
And it was these actions that I talked to him about. Rather than talking directly about his emotions or asking how he “feels”, I merely mentioned the things I’d noticed about his behaviour. And it was this focusing on the actions that really seemed to get him talking.
Three keys to getting him talking
According to life coach Lynda Fields, there are a number of other techniques you can employ in a quest to make the men (or boys) in your life talk - whether for the sake of your relationship or to help him deal with his issues better.
First of all, she says, you need to engineer occasions or situations where you will be able to have a good chat - a night out, for example.
Next, you should show interest in what is going on in his life. If you can get him really talking about his work, hobbies or school activities, for example, he may also start talking about how he’s feeling about them. It may also help him spot emotional issues that are going on for him that he hadn’t really even noticed himself.
The big key to remember whenever you’re trying to get anyone to talk, of course, is to LET THEM TALK. The first few months of my counselling training consisted only of ‘listening skills’. Asking people questions didn’t come ‘till much later.
Resist the urge to analyse his situation yourself. Don’t start talking about similar things you’re experiencing yourself. And certainly don’t judge, accuse or try to immediately solve problems.
This is his chance to talk. To really be listened to and understood. Your job - at least at first - is to concentrate on REALLY listening to what he’s saying and understanding what it might feel like to be him. If you feel the urge to say something then try to summarise back to him what you think he’s saying to show that you’re listening and check that you understand.
The 7 main factors in male psychology
Bear in mind that the kind of the things likely to cause upset for your partner are work-related problems or a threat to their sense of achievement or success in life. Many men also suffer, says our male therapist, Alon Gratch, “because of the heavy price they have paid for their success: alienation from wife and children or a lack of personal fulfillment.”
In fact, there are seven main factors in male psychology, says Gratch, that could be key to helping you understand men: Shame (boys don’t cry), Emotional Absence (I don’t know what I feel), Masculine Insecurity (I’m tired of being on top), Self-Involvement (see me, hear me, touch me, feel me), Aggression (I’ll show you who’s boss), Self-Destructiveness (I’m such a loser), and Sexual Acting-Out (I want sex now).
Another of my mother’s bitter generalisations about life is that “men have it easy”. While I have never been brave enough to directly challenge her authority on this matter, I’ve always felt that even being a “bastard” (another one of her generalisations!) must have its inner ramifications.
And finally, a few funny quotes on the subject for you:
“No nice men are good at getting taxis.” Katharine Whitehorn
“Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.” Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch
“In the sex-war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male, vindictiveness of the female.” Cyril Connolly
