Posted on 22 Feb, 2008 -
How to find and keep the RIGHT man
* 6 rules of finding or staying in love with the right man (and I’m sure it works for men seeking women too)
* 6 character traits to look for to find (or assess) the perfect partner...
Apparently, for the first time ever, there are now more single, divorced and widowed women than there are married ones. On top of this, a poll reported in The Daily Mail revealed that 59% of woman would leave their husbands if they could afford it!
Which doesn’t leave many of us happily married.
So what are we doing wrong? Why are we unable to find the right man and keep him? And what are you men out there reading this doing wrong not to keep us?
According to a book I picked up in a charity shop the other day called ‘The Real Rules - How to Find the Right Man for the Real You’ by Barbara De Angelis, the two main reasons why things go wrong are that you pick the wrong kind of partner, or you play by the wrong set of ‘rules’.
(My mother, of course, would tell you that it is a lot more simple than that: All men are bastards.)
When love becomes a game, Ms De Angelis says, everybody loses. Which is why the new rules she’s laying down throws the old ones out of the window. No more manipulation. No more pretending to be what you’re not. No more seeing a man as a wallet - or a woman as a trophy.
So here, to save you from having to buy the book yourself, are the first 6 (and most crucial) of the new rules as she states them:
Rule No. 1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You
“If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him… If you want him to be honest with you, be honest with him… If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him… If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.”
This rule can also help you in making small decisions about what you should or shouldn’t do during the early days of dating (or indeed, after twenty years of marriage). For example, says Barbara, if “a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite the guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it.”
Rule No. 2: Remember that men need as much love and reassurance as you do
After twenty years of professional experience, Barbara has come to the conclusion that there are two categories of men: The first category are the ones you should always avoid who “have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy and integrity”. The second category are “Men who want a loving, committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore need love and encouragement.”
Rule No. 3: Stay away from men who don’t like the real rules
These are the kind of men who want a woman as a trophy and a demonstration of their success and manliness. They are so entrenched with the old rules of playing games and of outdated gender roles that new rules of relationships like these will send them running or split them in two. The sooner gone the better! So try out these new rules on a new man to see whether he passes the test or not.
Rule No. 4: Don’t play games
It’s a slippery slope so don’t even think about it. Games are all about deception, secrecy, and manipulation and that’s NEVER a good basis for a relationship. You may be able to use games to hook a man but if you catch him in this way it’s unlikely that you’ll keep him or be happy if you do.
Rule No. 5: Be Yourself
Never try to be what you think a certain man would want you to be. Only by being completely yourself will you find true and lasting love. There’s someone out there who’s perfect for you and you’ll only find them by acting like you. If you act like somebody else you’ll find the perfect man for someone else. Remember, this is about finding the right man, not just a man.
Rule No. 6: If you like someone, let him know
“Remember - acting unattainable will attract some men - THE WRONG MEN.”
The 6 most important character traits to look for in a man (or woman)
Now, when I read the following list of crucial character traits you must look for in a man, I suffered a pang of worry that there would be a lot of men left out on a very cold shelf if everybody knew about these rules. Unfortunately for them, however, most women in this country won’t be reading this today so there’ll be a lot of uninitiated out there to mop these men up like like spilled wine off a pub carpet.
Don’t, therefore, go near or stay involved with a man who doesn’t demonstrate the following attributes (or realise you’re in for a lot less than perfect relationship if you do):
Commitment to Growing and Improving (Avoid a man who refuses to talk about or work on any problems in your relationship)
Emotional Openness
Integrity “Look for signs that he is honest with himself, with you, and with others”
Maturity and Responsibility
High Self-Esteem (You don’t want somebody who thinks he’s God’s gift - but neither do you want somebody who thinks he’s a loser)
Positive Attitude Towards Life
A tall order? Actually, not really. In fact, you may be surprised how many lovely men you’ll be able to find out there when you stop looking for the kind of men the old rules you followed suggested - and start playing by the new rules yourself.
Do please let me know if you get any success stories with these new principles!
