Posted on 09 Sep, 2009 -
How to make people like you in 90 seconds!
How to act in the first 90 seconds of meeting a stranger so they instantly warm to you
How to make both yourself feel comfortable with anybody - and others feel comfortable with you
Great tips for making a conversation flow and keep on flowing
Can you really make people like you in just 90 seconds?! According to Nicholas Boothman, author of a book of the same name, you can. In fact, 90 seconds is actually ALL the time we’ve got:
“Research has shown that we have approximately 90 seconds to make a favourable impression when we first meet someone. What happens in those 90 seconds can determine whether we succeed or fail at achieving rapport.”
But don’t let that bother you. There is no need, apparently, to impress the person you meet with the sophistication of your vocabulary, the quality of your wit or your impressive knowledge of world history, current affairs or Bach’s cantantas.
No, all you have to do is give a friendly first impression, show willingness to be friendly and concentrate on setting up a rapport with the other person (we’ll move onto that slightly trickier last one in a minute).
“Likeable people” says Mr Boothman, “give loud and clear signals of their willingness to be sociable… Likable people expose a warm, easygoing public face with an outgoing radiance that states, “I am ready to connect. I am open for business.” They are welcoming and friendly, and they get other people’s attention.”
Ahh… No surprises then that my habit of crossing my hands and kicking the dirt in front of me when I wait to pick up the girls from school has been so effective in keeping my diary free of coffee mornings!
Be one of those people that everybody wants to talk to
But let’s suppose for a moment that I did want to meet friends at the playground, find a new mate, or fill my life with loving friends and social events?
Here are a few more tips from the book, How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds, that has been a best-seller in England, the US and France at least by my reckoning:
* In the first few seconds of meeting somebody new you need to have open body language, you should be the first to make eye contact and you should smile in a way that expresses your positive attitude about meeting this person. Lean in slightly towards the person and be the first to shake hands or take the lead in conversation.
* Handshakes should be “firm and respectful”. You can also practice the hands-free handshake if more appropriate where you give off the same signs and special energy as you would doing an enthusiastic shake - but without the shake.
* Don’t, however, be too overeager. That can be a turnoff or putoff. Don’t try to be too nice, too witty or smile too much. Be yourself.
* When you’re meeting somebody for the first time, make sure that your attitude to that person is a positive one and know what you want to get out of a certain meeting, person or relationship from the start. When you’re meeting a new person, for example, don’t think: ‘God, I wonder if they’re going to be a bore/over-powering/scarey’. Instead, think something like ‘I want to find a special connection with this person and have meaningful exchanges with mutual trust, confidence and free-flowing energy’.
* Have confidence in your own ability to shine and remind yourself that you have a lot to offer other people - who WILL want to listen to you if you’re open and friendly rather than defensive!
But what if you’re not confident?
A possible catch 22 that isn’t really covered in this book is that you perhaps need a certain confidence in your own likability and social skills in order to give off signs that you’re happy to talk to everybody. There is a feeling that some of us sometimes have that if you put yourself forward then you have to come up with some pretty impressive goods or conversation. If you slink around in the background trying to be invisible, however, you will at least not have to be put to the test…
But that attitude or outlook, of course, doesn’t get you anywhere. And in some ways this is exactly Nicholas’s point. As long as you are friendly, as long as you are sunny and open, that is almost all that matters. Have the right attitude to meeting new people and the rest will fall into place.
Fear and love cannot live in the same place so if you feel love instead of fear for others, love will flow back to you because you will give off warm messages.
Take a closer look at the attitudes you have towards meeting new people and you may discover a few useful home truths!
So what exactly is the right attitude? Well, here’s something interesting to consider for starters:
However friendly or socially adept we might think ourselves to be, most of us probably approach other people, at least some of the time, with some of what Mr Boothman calls Really Useless Attitudes.
These are: sarcastic, impatient, angry, bored, disrespectful, conceited, pessimistic, anxious, rude, suspicious, vengeful, afraid, self-conscious, mocking, embarrassed, dutiful.
I’m sure you could come up with a list of Really Useful Attitudes of your own if you would climb out of your current social mode of being for long enough to consider it. But here they are just in case:
Warm, enthusiastic, confident, supportive, relaxed, obliging, curious, resourceful, comfortable, helpful, engaging, laid back, patient, welcoming, cheery, interested.
Consciously pick out a couple of these to use before your next social confrontation (I mean happy communication) and watch what a difference it makes to the result.
How to feel instantly more comfortable with others (and they with you) by developing a ‘rapport’
Another very interesting idea in the book is the power of developing an instant ‘rapport’ with people - and how you can quickly do it.
When we’re with somebody we get on well with and we we are enjoying natural rapport with them, we start synchronising our behaviour: our body language, facial expressions, breathing patterns and the way we talk becomes very similar and synchronised together. By copying these effects and the symptoms of rapport with strangers, we can very quickly help them to feel comfortable with us and slip into an instant state of friendship with them.
The key to establishing rapport with strangers, says Boothman, is to mimic, in a very subtle and respectful way, the way they act and talk. Try to become a kind of mirror to their overall posture, their gestures and facial expressions. Try to make your voice tone more similar to theirs and use similar words. Try to match the way they move, the speed of their voice, the way in which they speek.
“Think of synchronising as rowing your boat alongside another person’s rowboat, pointing it in the same direction at the same speed and picking up the other person’s pace, stroke, breathing pattern, mood and point of view. As he rows, you row.”
Pay attention to the attitude of other people and identify with them. Try to feel how they are feeling. “Tune in to the overall mood suggested by their voice and reflect it back.”
Moving onto actually making conversation. Some great tips for keeping good and interesting conversation flowing
So, now you’ve made a good first impression and established rapport, you still need to move onto the question of what to speak about and how to speak.
* The first rule, of course, is to remember that being a good conversationalist is as much about listening (and encouraging the other to talk) as it is about being an interesting talker yourself. If you can get a person to talk enthusiastically about themselves then they will think you’re an interesting and great person.
* Also remember that people will tend to follow your lead in offering information. So, when meeting somebody new, if you just give your first name, they’ll probably just give you theirs. If you say your name and a bit about yourself or say how you know the host of the party, they’ll probably follow your lead.
* A good formula for striking up conversation says Boothman is to make a statement about where you are that grounds you together and then ask an open question. We British are very good at the first because we can always fall back on talking about the weather. Comment on the event you’re attending, the food, the room and so on. Open questions might include “Where do you think those vases came from?”, “How well do you know X?” “Tell me how you came to be a X, Y or Z.” Anything that encourages them to open up and talk about themselves.
* Talk in colour. “All conversation, big or small, is about painting word pictures of your experience for other people. The more vividly you can convey these experiences, the more interesting people will think you are.”
Two instant methods for feeling more comfortable or confident around others
Social anxiety is something that affects a great many people - and all of us perhaps to a certain extent.
A large part of the key to decreasing your anxiety is working out how you can help yourself to feel more comfortable around others.
If you don’t normally feel comfortable around certain kinds of people or in certain situations, ask yourself what you think it is that makes you feel uncomfortable. What are some things you could do to make yourself feel more comfortable?
Another way of improving your confidence is to ask yourself what the ideal you is that you would like everybody to see. Once you’ve worked out how you’d like to be seen by others, work out what kinds of attitudes you can adopt to present the best possible you.
Instead of just continuing with your current way of being with strangers, do some good hard thinking about how you can improve it!
And as with anything, of course, it takes a bit of PRACTICE!
Right, I’m off for now to go and practice being nice to people…
