Posted on 20 May, 2010 -
How to shine in any situation
Why are we all so anxious in social situations?
6 tricks for shining out as a real ‘Somebody’ s
6 simple secrets for gliding through small talk with comfort and ease
It is still something of a mystery to me why human beings suffer from such terrible social anxiety. There are very few people, apparently, who do not feel anxious in certain social situations - whether it’s performance anxiety, nerves, shyness or other - even in very small groups or one-to-one.
I have just been reading, in fact, that for many people used to moving and shaking in the highest echelons of business, small talk is often the thing they fear most.
I’m going to leave the can of worms of why we feel like that closed for the time being and take a look at what we can do about getting over it ourselves instead.
I have been reviewing a book on the subject this week and I wanted to pick some of the best bits of it out for you today.
The book is called How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes and starts with an interesting anecdote about an early experience she had with a drama teacher.
Your body says it all
In despair at her terrible acting in a college play he started shouting about how her body was not working with the words or the emotions of the play at all. “Your body!” he said. “The way you move is your autobiography in motion.”
“How right he was!” Leil tells us in her book. “On the stage of real life, every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears don’t detect. Bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel.”
How to look intelligent, strong and cool in four moves
Another very insightful and helpful story she tells is of a conversation she had with a friend who’s a brilliant caricature artist. Realising that his skill was in capturing each person’s personality with just some simple pencil lines, she asked him what the secret was.
He showed her how it worked by pointing out a few key elements of some drawings of politicians. The boyishness of Clinton, for example, was captured in his half smile, the awkwardness of Bush in the angle of his shoulder. Reagan’s charm shone out through his smiling eyes, the shiftiness of Nixon was captured by the furtive tilt of his head and the pride of Roosevelt by the nose held high in the head.
When she asked him how he would draw somebody really cool - “you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in other people..” he said “Easy. Just give’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.”
And that’s pretty much it, apparently. That is how to shine out as a wonderful somebody in a crowd. And now, in case you need more information than that, a few more pointers…
6 ways to stand out from the crowd as a Somebody
Smile. To know how easy it is to get this wrong, you just have to picture Gordon Brown trying to do the ‘winning smile’ at the end of the TV interviews. One crucial secret to getting it right, it would seem, is to smile slowly. Rather than just beaming out at everybody, the smile should be directed personally and develop slowly on your lips so that it seems genuine. By smiling more slowly you will come across as more sophisticated, credible , trustworthy and deep. Rather than just smiling about like a child posing for a photograph, your smile should come as a direct response and should “flood over your face and overflow into your eyes”.
The power of eye contact. A fascinating study was carried out in Boston where opposite-sex individuals who did not know each other were asked to have a two-minute casual conversation. One of each pair had been told to count the number of times their partner blinked, the other had not. “When they questioned the subjects afterwards, the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknown to them, had simply been counting their blinks.” The author also tells the story of a speech she once gave where a member of the audience delighted and charmed her with the attention she paid to every word she said. She later found out that the lady was hearing impaired and had actually been reading her lips!
To look like a Winner or a Somebody, your body posture needs to look like somebody who’s just had a great success. Head up, shoulders back, happy smile… Just like your mother always told you. Next time you’re about to walk into a room or social group or party, picture yourself as an Olympic gymnast who’s just landed perfectly on their feet off the bar to win a 10 out of 10 and gold medal. Arms flung back, head held high, and a triumphant beam… (Only don’t actually fling back your arms or wave at the crowds.)
Treat anyone you’d like to impress as if they were already a good friend. Not only will this make you more relaxed and confident, the other person will respond positively to your warmth and the feeling that you like them too.
Try not to fidget. Interviewers, lawyers and police watch body language closely to work out when a person is lying or telling the truth. It is a very effective method but it is also a factor that can backfire on shy, nervous or uncomfortable people too. Even if you’re being totally honest and like the person you’re talking to, you can give off signs of being shifty if you fidget or squirm. Even if you’re feeling nervous or uncomfortable, try to relax your body, keep your hands relaxed and open, and remain still.
Practice visualisation before a social event, meeting or interview. If you have a social event or work event coming up where you want to shine, take some time before you go to do some mental practicing. Sit down for a few minutes with your eyes closed and imagine yourself in the situation happily walking around talking to people. See yourself practicing the slow smile and the confident head tilt. Picture yourself listening to people and talking to them as if they were old friends. See yourself as a success.
6 tricks for ‘winning’ at small talk
Now here’s another interesting idea for you: the brighter the person, apparently, the more they loath small talk.
I don’t know what degree of truth there is in that statement, but it may just offer a little bit of comfort - or even an explanation why some people get so flummoxed when trying to talk small. Have a read through the six little tricks below, in fact, and you may realise that the error some of us may be making is in trying too hard…
First of all, don’t worry too much about what you say. Although you may be eager to sound clever, witty or interesting, the other person may actually find that off-putting. “You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about music, about melody.” Rather than worry about what you say, the best thing you can do is try to pick up on the other person’s mood and match it with some mood music of your own. Ask yourself if the other person is feeling bright and happy - or a bit tired or even down. Click in with them at that level, at least for the start of the conversation.
Don’t worry about what you say being boring or unoriginal. Small talk at the start is about setting the tone and letting the other person know you want to talk to them so don’t go on the attack! Even banalities are just fine.
Anything is fine -as long as it’s not too rude or negative. The only kinds of thing not to say in small talk is anything to rude or moany. Don’t complain or they’ll label you as a complainer. Don’t moan too much or they’ll think of you as a moaner. And don’t, of course, be rude or unpleasant as any strong first impressions are hard to overcome.
Whenever you’re asked any question, don’t just give a one word or one sentence answer. If you’re asked where you live or what your job is, for example, tell them a few things about it. You can even think ahead about the kinds of questions people are likely to ask you and plan ahead what you might tell them about your answer.
Take the pressure off you both by allowing the other person the chance to talk about a subject they love to talk about. You can do this easily by listening to what they say and picking out a subject they’re obviously keen on then ask them questions about it. Be interested in what they have to say and the conversation will flow. Set yourself the task of learning as much about the other person as possible and your conversation will be a winner.
How to sound clever. “The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more.” The trick here, says the author, is to use just a few more impressive words in your conversation - not loads of them. Spend some time with a thesaurus looking up alternatives to words you use often and choose a few that you feel would fit easily and naturally into your conversation.
And that is just how easy it can be! Keep it simple. Be yourself. Be glad about being yourself. And show genuine like and respect for the other person.
Which brings us, perhaps, back to that can of worms I was talking about at the beginning....
