Posted on 29 Aug, 2008 -
How to win ANY argument
How good are you at dealing with arguments, disagreements or conflicts?
Experts say it can be the key to a happy marriage. It can be crucial at work. And it can be a lot better than collecting all that baggage of grudges!
Here are the 4 KEY ELEMENTS of conflict success you need to remember…
(AND SOME DIRTIER TRICKS AT THE BOTTOM!)
When it comes to arguing I’m pretty hopeless.
In my mind I can come up with fantastic retorts and the wittiest of one-liners. I can beam all over my face just at the thought of being so clever. But it weirdly seems that I’m a lot more firey (and witty) in my head than I ever am in real life. Put me up against a conflict and I’m predictably level-headed and non-confrontational.
I am beginning to realise now, however, that perhaps my non-confrontational approach to conflict can sometimes mean that I miss the opportunity to actually RESOLVE a conflict better - preferring instead to back off, “agree to differ” and remove myself from the situation bearing minor resentments and (subconscious) plans for revenge.
So what IS the best way to ‘win’ any argument or conflict?
The ‘winning’ bit, of course, is where most people go wrong. As soon as any kind of heated conflict arises we can tend to take it as personally as if the other person had called us a liar, an imbecile or a loser.
And indeed, we can sometimes get so emotional and defensive about a conflict that both parties turn it into more of a slagging match against each other,escalating the discord further.
The Four Keys to Success when trying to resolve any conflict or argument therefore are:
1. Remind yourself that the goal of the conversation or dealings should be to look for a look for a mutually beneficial solution - not personal victory at all cost. We can tend to become very competitive and aggressive when we’re trying to defend our views, rights or life - yet equally so can the other person. The best resolution to almost any conflict therefore is one where BOTH parties end up happy with the outcome.
2. Listen. Because we tend to take any conflict so personally, we fail to listen to what the other person is really saying or feeling. The first step, therefore is to stop talking for a while and really pay attention to what the other person is saying. You can also hope that the other person will follow suite and listen to you too. At the very least this may give the other person a valuable chance to let off some steam and calm down and feel that you’re not an enemy or horrible person.
3. Show that you understand where they are coming from. As you listen, you may be surprised to realise that the other person did actually have solid reasons for their views or behaviours other than just wanting to annoy or oppose you. When they realise that you are not just trying to be horrible to them but are actually listening to how they feel, they will be ready to do the same for you (hopefully) and work towards a resolution that you will both be happy with.
When you have listened to the other party, show them that you have understood how they feel by saying back to them a small summary of what they’ve said. For example, “I guess what you’re saying is that you feel so worried about money at the moment that it makes you explode when you see I’ve been spending anything.”
4. Be pleasant and respectful of the other person’s feelings. Many conflicts fail because the parties are either rude and provocative to each other or turn a small dispute into an attempt to destroy the other person. They may call each other names, ignore the other person’s feelings, shout, condescend or even resort to violence. If both parties make a conscious effort to be nice to each other, everything will work more smoothly. Even just trying to be nice yourself can disarm the other person’s temper.
Another crucial thing to bear in mind is that people will react badly and defensively (often leading to a personal attack back) if the way you explain your problem is seen as a personal attack at them. They may often have reasons for behaving in the way they do that you do not yet understand and that they have not yet been able to explain to you. When reporting to the other person how you feel, therefore, remember to start sentences with “I” instead of “You”. So for example, instead of saying “You are so horrible to me.” you might say “It makes me feel bad when you say things like that to me. I guess not understanding why you say them doesn’t help because it just makes me feel like you simply want to make me feel bad.”
OK, now for the… DIRTY TRICKS!
Great, that’s the nice stuff over and done with - time for a bit of fun. As the title of this email did promise you how to “win” not compromise, here are a few more competitive, debating-style tricks to help you get your point across more ‘convincingly’…
* Bamboozle your opponent with a lot of information.
* Ask them lots of questions that make them say “yes”. The more times they say “yes”, the more likely they are to feel like they agree.
* Don’t say that you think your opponent is WRONG. They are more likely to defend their side.
* Let your opponent talk and listen carefully. You’re hoping you’re giving them enough rope to hang themselves on…
* Say that you are only arguing for what is ‘right’ or ‘good’. That’s harder to oppose.
* Exaggerate your opponents view so that it becomes more general and therefore easier to refute.
* State a voice of authority as having your view - ideally from a person that your opponent will respect.
* Link what they are saying to an undesirable person or organisation: fascism, misogynists or “that’s exactly what the man at number 8 thinks about the matter”!
Which I think might just be enough now.
