Posted on 22 Jul, 2009 -
It’s never too late to be a better parent
* Why kids fight and how to deal with it
* Even as adults we long to hear our parents say they’re proud of us
* The best and worst things you can say to your child
* When kids have trouble making friends or doing tests
With the kids’ summer holidays looming up ahead, I was very quick to pounce on a book entitled ‘501 Ways to Be a Good Parent’ in the charity shop recently.
There are many positive things that I look forward to about the holidays: Dominos in the garden, trips to the beach, and the morning routine not having to look like a game from the TV show It’s a Knockout (my youngest daughter trying to exit the front door on her scooter naked).
But there are always going to be the downsides of the “she just broke my favourite pen”, “she just poked me in the eye” and the “oh no, now Mummy’s crying” variety.
Even if your kids are 60, it’s never too late to help them
While I know that only some of you will still have children belonging to the pants-wetting, toy-breaking age, what really struck me while I was reading psychologist Michele Elliot’s book was how relevant a lot of what she said actually was for adults.
How many of us, after all, do not occasionally behave in a childlike way towards members of our family? And how many of us don’t still long to hear our parents tell us how wonderful we are?
What I have for you this week, therefore, are a list of the top tips I gleaned from the book - both for parents about to face the holidays as well as parents of any age as well.
We should never, of course, get too het up about the mistakes we make with our children. I sometimes wonder, in fact, whether there are really any ‘right’ answers. All we can really do is keep on trying and be a good enough parent:
“The beauty of “spacing” children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.”
Sydney J. Harris
Why children fight each other - and how to stop them
Perhaps one of the best ways to start dealing with this perennial problem (and I know from experience of my own parents that sibling battles can carry on ‘till the grave) is to understand the reasons why children fight each other.
It will not only make it easier to deal with, it may also help you solve it.
According to psychologist and founder of Kidscape, Michele Elliot, some of the main reasons why children like to rip each other apart and bang the other over the head with a fishing net are because:
* It’s exciting.
* It gets attention from parents or other grown ups.
* They like it.
* Because one of them feels less loved than the other.
* Because they haven’t yet learned or have forgotten how to share.
* Because one of them is angry at the general unfairness of life.
* To prove they are ‘in charge’ - if only for a moment, if only with a brother or sister - in a world where children, and people, often feel they have little power.
* Because they see others fighting - in the family, at school, on television.
All very interesting! But how are you supposed to deal with it? Well, one strategy, of course, is just to let them get on with it. Some other solutions that I particularly liked from the book included:
* Give very specific instructions such as: ‘Do not touch his car’… ‘Do not hit’, or (if grown-up children are your problem) ‘Don’t deliberately try to make your sister feel bad about herself or her children’. Children do not respond so well to vague instructions like ‘Be nice’.
* Give your children strategies for dealing with each other’s taunts or attacks or annoying behaviour. If one child loves winding the other up, for example, point out to the victim what is going on and help them think of a way of dealing with it. If they can find a way using humour rather than revenge, more’s the better!
* Search for the real problem underlying their behaviour. See the above list of reasons for ideas. Take them aside individually and have a long talk with them.
* Help children find better ways of venting their anger. Life can make you angry sometimes and just suppressing it won’t help. Children (and adults!), for example, can get a lot of outlet by drawing pictures of each other or of what is making them cross.
* Use humour. “I think humour is a great weapon that parents should use as often as possible. A flippant remark can work better than a long analysis: ‘I’ll trade you for a teapot’; “I’ll give you a million pounds to stop fighting’ or some such gem might defuse the situation. The problem is trying to be humorous when you want to kill them!”
* Compliment them when they are behaving well together. One parent, for example, wrote little notes to her kids telling them how much she had liked a certain thing they did or a way they acted.
* Divert their attention by offering alternative activities.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is
to sit down and look comfortable.”
Lane Olinghouse
One of the worst things you can say to your kids is: ‘Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be frightened of.’
If a small child is terrified of flies or monsters in the cupboard, for example, don’t simply dismiss their fear and call it silly. You know that flies aren’t scarey and that there are no monsters in the cupboard but your child doesn’t yet. Their fear, therefore, is not silly.
Instead of telling them not to be silly, it is far better Michele says, to explain to them that it’s OK to be scared, that it’s quite normal for children to be frightened of things that they don’t understand. Talk them through it and help them to investigate the truth of the situation themselves.
“Telling a child it is silly to be scared won’t make the fear go away, but may prevent the child telling you about his fears in the future. By saying that it is all right to be frightened, you are also acknowledging that the world can be a frightening place and that you will support your child through his fears.”
One of the best things you can say to your kids is how happy you are to have them in your life
This one struck a chord with me because I have to confess to occasionally moaning about how little time I have to do things that I love doing and how tired I am. It seemed like a really good idea, therefore, to follow Michele’s advice and explain to them both on the way home from school how it has made me so happy having them and how it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
A good idea in general I think but seems to have backfired slightly with my littlest who grumbled the other day (after I HAD picked her up and started carrying her) that “you shouldn’t have had us if you didn’t want to carry us”.
Also remember to praise them and tell them how proud of them you are - however old they are.
I also liked the idea of telling kids that they don’t have to do anything. “When my kids say they’ve nothing to do, I reply: ‘You’re lucky’. What about time to be, to think, to wonder?”
And it’s true. I sometimes worry that the only thing that my kids don’t get enough of is boredom. Time to foster their own resourcefulness and creativity.
“You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back.”
William D. Tammeus
What to do when your children are having trouble making friends (or a mate perhaps if they’re older?)
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous.” says Elizabeth Stone. “It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
And there are few times when you feel this more - especially with small children - than when they say that they don’t have friends or that nobody likes or plays with them.
So what can you do about it? Here are a few of Michele’s tips:
* Identify the problem. Is it, for example, that they are very shy and actually don’t know HOW to approach potential friends? Are they doing something to put other children or people off - such as bullying other kids or burping all the time? Or are they trying to win the friendship of a particular child who isn’t interested? Find the reason and then make a plan to solve it.
* Enlist the help of teachers or friends.
* Teach your children the skills they need to make friends and keep them. Role-playing with them can be useful.
* If they are acting in ways to put people off befriending them then help them to change their undesirable behavior.
Teach Your Child Test-Taking Skills
Taking tests can be terrifying and the more they make you panic, the worse you may do. It can therefore be very beneficial to help your children learn to prepare well for tests and avoid the pitfalls.
Help them to get organised, for example, and plan ahead rather than just cramming at the end which will not get such good results.
A very effective way of remembering information is to repeat it aloud several times. It is also effective to write down the information before saying it aloud.
If possible, doing mock tests can boost confidence, help the child feel ready and get them in the right frame of mind.
“Send your children off feeling good about themselves. Tell them you know they’ll do their best and that you’ll be thinking of them.”
Help your children to have a good relationship with money
Talk to them about things such as the big differences that exist between the incomes of some families compared to others. Explain to them how much money comes into your own household, for example, and the expenditures that need to be met.
Tell them how advertising can make them want things they don’t really want or need - and about the dangers of credit cards. Teach them how to shop for the best price and bargains so that their money will go further.
And finally, just a few hints on getting kids to do chores
* An important key here seems to be to make sure you let kids know what chores they will be expected to do each week in advance and how long the chores should take. Don’t spring chores on them that they weren’t expecting.
* Teach them exactly how to do the tasks instead of expecting them to know how to do them.
* Label your children as good workers. Brag to other people about how helpful your children are and make sure they hear you. If you say things like ‘Jo never helps around the house’ then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
* If they don’t do their chores, don’t do yours. “If one of your responsibilities is to drive the children to football or some other activity they enjoy, but they haven’t completed their chores, go on strike. If you are supposed to make dinner and no one sets the table, make yourself a cheese sandwich and retire to read or watch television.”
Which is where, unfortunately, I run out of time and space. Or rather, you really can’t squeeze all the best from a good book into one page.
I cannot, however, finish, before mentioning the chapter entitled ‘Ways to Keep Your Sanity as a Parent’.
Anyone who’s been through it knows that there are few jobs more stressful or exhausting than looking after children. The important thing to remember is that it’s OK to feel close to the edge and that it’s important to find ways to help yourself cope.
Make sure you get a chance to escape from the house alone sometimes - whether to visit a friend, go to the cinema or attend an evening class. Even if it’s just a question of a half an hour walk in the park when your spouse gets home, it could be crucial.
Ensure that you have the opportunity to vent your frustrations with somebody who’s really prepared to listen to your woes. Also ensure, however, that you partake in activities where you get an escape from childcare and talking about your kids.
Enjoy the summer holidays!
