Posted on 15 Dec, 2011 -
Kung-Fu Socialising
How to be a successful social animal this Christmas season - without upsetting the in-laws or feeling nervous at parties
Follow the 13 rules of Kung-Fu socialising to win in every situation and never make a faux pas again!
14 top questions for keeping conversations going - or stirring up the crowd
Dear Reader,
Even for those more naturally introverted creatures among us, the festive season is a time for socialising with friends and spending precious moments with and/or putting up with relatives.
If the following words from J.B. Priestly ring true for you…
”I delight in the idea of a party but find no pleasure in the reality. The result is that I can neither keep away from parties nor enjoy them.”
... then you may find a few tips here for you today in my Kung-Fu guide to socialising.
Or, if you’re more of an Oscar Wilde…
“Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.”
... or a Dorothy Parker..
”Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”
then listen up. The way of the masters will have a few words of wisdom for you too…
Whether you’re off to a party or getting yourself ready for taking on the in-laws, there will be a few tips here to help us all stand and deliver.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 1: Limber up and get your body ready for action.
If you’re feeling tense about a social event, voice and personal impact master Kate Firth recommends that you consider a warm up before you enter. Going for a quick walk round the block or having a quick jog up and down in the loo will help you get rid of tension and stir you into a more positive state of mind.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 2. Do not be afraid.
Try to be the opposite of frightened when embarking on a social adventure. You are here because people want you to be so thank them for inviting you by making your presence a cheerful and appreciative one. Do not be afraid: be ready to give of yourself and add something to the occasion.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 3: Take control of the situation and lure in the opponents.
As master of Kung-Fu Socialising, Dorothy Parker once said: “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”
Even those of us who are stuck at home all day can make the most of the party season. But don’t just wait for the invites to come flying through the door. Be the one who does the inviting instead. Organise drinks or a coffee morning for friends. Or even dare to have a party.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 4. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Be the master of your strengths and compensate for your weaknesses.
Tony Blair obviously didn’t have a drop of self-awareness running through his body when he famously claimed that “Most people who have dealt with me think that I am a pretty straight sort of guy.”
I like, on the other hand, this witty comment from Chips Channon:
“The Crown Prince Umberto is charm itself, but has no great intelligence. He reminds me of myself.”
Know yourself and enjoy playing to your strengths. Also know how to spot yourself when you’re sliding into trouble and withdraw from the fight quick.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 5: Lighten up and let everyone enjoy your nice side.
Being cheerful and pleasant is worth the effort: it will soften your opponents and strengthen you for success.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 6: But be ready with some useful conversation-stimulating questions of your own.
If you’re at a party or social event, be ready with a list of questions you can ask to get the conversation going - or at least fake an interest in the person or relative you’re talking to. Somebody must make the first moves to get the action swinging.
For strangers or acquaintances try: What do you do when you’re not doing this? Who’s the person you know best here? What do you think of the food/music venue? How did you get involved in that line of work? If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you choose to be? Seen any good movies recently? Ask about their holidays, job or favourite TV programmes. How is the rest of your week/holidays looking?
For friends and family try: Nice sweater/skirt/dress - where did you get it? What have been the highlights of your life this year? How is Uncle Bob/your friend Vera/your dog? Are you looking forward to 2012? How’s your health?
Or, to stir things up at a party try: What was your most memorable childhood experience? What has been your scariest experience? If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 7: Be the first to say hello.
Shy people often make the mistake of waiting to be spoken to. A much better tactic is to actually approach somebody else and introduce yourself. You will then be the one who’s in control of the situation and you will feel more comfortable - once you’ve jumped the initial hurdle.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 8: Strike fast while your opponent is still open
Acording to Nicholas Boothman, author of How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds, it’s the first few seconds that are the most crucial.
In the first few seconds of meeting somebody new you need to have open body language, you should be the first to make eye contact and you should smile in a way that expresses your positive attitude about meeting this person. Lean in slightly towards the person and be the first to shake hands or take the lead in conversation.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 9: Resist the temptation of the greatest enemy of an easy and happy time
As the master Lao Tszu said: “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
Free yourself from this prison and fly free like a bird. Oh how the others will marvel at how you fly.
Or, to bring the conversation more down to earth, I love these wise words from Eleanor Roosevelt:
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 10: Try setting goals for your conversations.
This might be anything from ‘get to know Peter from accounts better’, ‘practice my ability to talk about politics’ or ‘be nicer to my mother-in-law’. It might also include things like ‘pick Lucy’s brain about her brilliant vegetable growing knowledge’, ‘let Sally know that I am there for her’ or ‘speak genuinely from my heart and without worrying about what others might think of what I say’.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 11: Remember the number one rule of good conversation skills.
Whoever you’re talking to, wherever you are, the key to success is to remember that other people like to speak about themselves. If you give other people the chance to really speak about themselves by asking them lots of generally interested questions, you’ll guarantee that they’ll enjoy talking to you. It will also take a lot of pressure off you to talk as well!
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 12: Always look at the situation through your opponents eyes
Think about the situation from the other person’s point of you. Chances are that the way they are acting is about them and not about you. Ask yourself why this person may be acting the way they are - or have said what they said - from their point of you. It probably has more to do with pain they are suffering or things that have happened to them in the past - than it has to do with you.
Remember: Don’t take offence unless you’re sure that an offence was deliberately intended.
Kung-Fu Socialising Rule No. 13. Look to be the bringer of peace… of harmony… of smiles and good cheer.
God knows somebody has to - so what a wonderful role to take on!
Best wishes for the festive season
