Posted on 20 Jun, 2008 -
Secrets of a Happy Marriage
* The Number 1. Key to a Happy Marriage? A can of ginger beer!
* Find out how you really feel with a pile of coins or pebbles
* What NEVER to do when you talk about how you feel
What, according to experts, is the no. 1 key to a happy marriage?
Don’t worry if you can’t think of the ‘right’ answer but I’m going to keep you waiting a few moments anyway to see what you come up with.
My grandparents, I think, had it. My grandmother once told me that the secret to their happy marriage was that they never went to bed cross with each other or without talking through any problems. And I remember them now, always sat of an evening with a packet of crisps each and the tin of ginger beer that they shared, each on their own beige leather lazy armchair, watching their enormous blurry colour telly.
But the television was much further away from them than they were from each other and always seemed more of an excuse for them sitting happily together chatting than a hard core distraction from life’s realities.
So yes, that’s the answer - good communication… talking… chatting.
But what exactly do we mean by good communication? The organisation Relate see it as:
“1. Telling exactly how you feel. 2. Listening to what the other says. 3. Accepting your partner’s opinions and feelings even when they are different from your own.”
To which I would add: Somebody who fully understands everything about you as much as any human can. Somebody with whom you can discuss all the dark and niggling aspects of yourself and your day. Somebody who loves you whatever you say or are. Somebody with whom you can be TRUE.
And it should, of course, be a two way process. And of course there is more. Going through life is easier if you have somebody with whom to discuss all your daily concerns and worries about it. When we communicate with others we feel less lonely and more loved.
Before you can SAY how you feel, you need to PUT IT INTO WORDS yourself
Going back to point 1, for a minute, “Telling exactly how you feel”, this can obviously mean a lot of different things.
* It could be as simple as telling your spouse that you are upset about something they’ve done instead of fuming inwardly about it.
* It might just entail sharing how you feel about a problem you both have so you can work it through together.
* Or perhaps talking about something a lot more deep or personal - including, perhaps, why you currently feel unhappy in your marriage, or a damage you’ve always carried with you since childhood or a terrible event in your life
While we are often aware that we are not really happy, it’s surprising how often we don’t know exactly why. Even when we think we know why, we may not have a clear enough idea of the reason to enable us to actually start doing something to change it or discuss it with somebody else.
If there is something you’ve held off but would like to discuss with your partner then it might just be a case of taking a deep breath and just saying it. If it’s something that you’re not clear about yet yourself then it might be a good idea to take a closer look at it yourself first.
Exploring how YOU feel first
Relate have an interesting exercise you could use, for example, if you feel that you’re not happy about something within the relationship or your life at the moment. Take a pile of counters, pebbles or coins and arrange them in front of you to represent how you feel about yourself within the family at the moment.
Alternatively, sit down with a pen and paper and draw a picture or diagram about how you feel.
OR… Finish the sentence: I feel unhappy/dissatisfied/anxious because....
OR… Try a mind map. Write your name or draw a picture of you in the middle of the page and draw some lines coming out of you. At the end of each line write a word about your life. From each word draw more lines and write more things, and so on and so on, being fluid and open with your thoughts.
Now share what you feel
Getting down to actually sharing what you feel with your partner may be a simple practical question of finding the time and opportunity. It may take a small or large act of courage or be a question of how to start talking and ‘break the ice’.
If you feel upset about certain aspects of your current life within the marriage or your partner’s behavior then it will also be important to consider tact and diplomacy. Most crucially, it is important to communicate what you feel to your partner without blaming them or criticising. If you blame or criticize they will probably be hurt and go on the defensive and nothing will be resolved. If you explain how you feel without blaming them for it then you may be surprised by the positive outcome and their desire to help you feel better, improve the situation and make changes in their own behaviour.
When talking about how you feel, start by saying “I feel x, y or z” instead of “You do x, y or z.” Instead of “You never show any interest in how I feel” try “Whether it is true or not, I feel that you aren’t really interested in how I feel.”
It might be a good idea to write things down before you start talking and to broach the subject when you’re feeling relatively calm and happy.
Your brave act for the week, therefore, might be to talk to your partner about something you find it hard to talk about but ought to.
Your kind act of the week is to REALLY listen to something they need to get off their chest.
