Posted on 28 Apr, 2011 -
Should you be harder on yourself? Or softer?
Are such high levels of self esteem really such a good thing?
Why ‘self-compassion’ can give us the emotional strength and well being we need - without having to see ourselves as amazing, all-wonderful people
How self-compassion is even being used to assist people in breaking bad habits and in weightloss
Dear Reader,
For many years now we have been told that we need to have good ‘self-esteem’ in order to improve our emotional health. Self-esteem has been seen as such an important goal, in fact, that teachers at school often go out of their way not to criticise pupils for fear it might harm their self-esteem for life.
But is self-esteem really the holy grail of emotional happiness and perfection it’s cracked up to be?
One criticism of self-esteem, for example, is that it can encourage people to always want to compare themselves and compete against others. In order to esteem ourselves highly we often actually have to see ourselves as better than other people. It is even being found that some young people are becoming so full of self-esteem that they think themselves far better than they are and believe that they have the right to the most amazing jobs… the most amazing lives… and that everything they do is perfect.
Leading, we can only presume, to pride before a fall.
Too big to fail?
Another problem with self-esteem is that it might make us good at seeing our own strengths but ill-equip us to deal with our own oh too human weaknesses… our moments of failure or when we are going through more troubled times.
For many people, in fact, an emphasis on self-esteem can also lead us to criticise ourselves too harshly if we do not live up to the high expectations we have set for the amazing, all-wonderful person we’ve been advised to see our self as…
Why ‘self-compassion’ may be much better than self-esteem
In the field of psychological research, the new buzzword and area of study is ‘self-compassion’.
With self-compassion we do not need to judge or evaluate ourselves as we do with self-esteem. In fact, this is very much about having compassion for our own weaknesses as well as for our own humanity.
Most of us are very good at treating our children and friends as human beings who of course have difficulties in life and make mistakes. We do not judge them harshly as some of us can be apt to judge ourselves - but are happy to support them and help them through.
When a friend or child comes to us and says they have a problem we treat them with compassion and kindness and want to help them anyway we can. We rarely judge them or criticise them for being bad or blame them too harshly for what they have done.
So what exactly is ‘self-compassion’?
One of the key movers and shakers in this new field of research is Dr Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas.
In her definition of self-compassion she says that having compassion for ourselves is no different from having compassion for others. First of all we recognise that the person is suffering in some way and we are moved by their pain to want to support and help them.
“When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way.” “Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly.”
It also means understanding that personal failings, mistakes, suffering and imperfection are all part of the human experience - and feeling compassionate towards others (and ourselves) because of that.
Treat yourself as you would a child or friend in the same situation
As journalist Tara Parker-Pope put it in an article in The New York Times:
“Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation - struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight - many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.”
Indeed, one of the interesting areas in which self-compassion is being put to use is in helping people change habits - for example, in eating habits and weight loss.
How self-compassion is being used to assist people in breaking habits and in weightloss
In a 2007 study by researchers at Wake Forest University, 84 female students took part in what they had been told was a food-tasting experiment. Before being told to eat some doughnuts, one group were told: “I hope you won’t be hard on yourself. Everyone in the study eats this stuff, so I don’t think there’s any reason to feel bad about it.”
Later in the study when they were asked to test some sweets from large bowls, women who were regular dieters or often experienced guilt feelings about food ate less if they’d been in the group that had received the short lesson in self-compassion than those who had not.
Self-compassion, it turns out, is a better motivator for change than self-criticism. We are often told that we need to push ourselves and use self-discipline to make ourselves act in better ways. If we use self-compassion, however, we are more likely to do the right things for ourselves because we want ourselves to be happy and healthy because we care about ourselves.
Don’t be so hard on yourself
“Is there any personal trait that you criticize yourself for having (too overweight, too lazy, too impulsive, etc.) because you think being hard on yourself will help you change?” asks Neff.
“If so, first try to get in touch with the emotional pain that your self-criticism causes, giving yourself compassion for the experience of feeling so judged.”
Think what you would do to help and support a friend or a child in the same situation.
If you’re interested in reading more about the field of self-compassion, you can try Dr Kristin Neff’s own website at http://www.self-compassion.org
Yours compassionately
