Posted on 28 Jul, 2010 -
The Games People Play
In a nutshell: A summary of Eric Berne’s best-selling book on human psychology, Games People Play
Ever wondered why you fit in with one social group and not another?
Does anyone you know play the games of Lunch Bag… See What You Made Me Do… or Why Does This Always Happen To Me?
‘Stupid’, ‘Wooden Leg’, ‘If It Weren’t For You’, ‘Kick Me’, ‘Now I’ve Got You’, ‘You Son of A Bitch’, ‘Harried’, ‘Ain’t It Awful’ and ‘Blemish’....
According to the Transactional Analysis school of psychotherapy these are the names of some of the common games that people play.
Whether it’s an attempt to get attention, an attempt to cover up our insecurities, an attempt to get out of a situation without blame or one of many other motivations… ‘games’ form the basis of much social intercourse - at work, at social events and between spouses as well.
So why exactly do we get involved in these games?
Games as a way of filling time and structuring our relationships
Babies who are not given love or physical contact shrivel and become sick. Solitary confinement is one of the worst forms of torture human beings can be subjected to. Even the most solitary and self-sufficient of us needs human contact of some form.
Social intercourse is so necessary for our biological survival, in fact, that even unhappy or even abusive interaction is better than none. Laboratory rats administered painful electric shocks from humans, for example, were better at surviving than rats denied any interaction at all.
In some way or another we like to interact with others and games can at least provide us with some form to our interactions - however dysfunctional. Many games are harmless. Many are slightly destructive or manipulative - while others are plain dangerous!
But at least they get us the contact we need to survive until the human race works it out better…
Ever wondered why you fit in with one kind of social group and not another?
So what exactly do these games entail?
On a simple level, people often form in groups who all talk about the same thing or share the same attitudes. Whether it’s men talking cars or women talking housework, these ‘pastimes’ (literally ways of passing time) make it easy to fit in and fill the silence we all fear.
“Pastimes form the basis of selection of acquaintances, and may lead to friendship. A party of women who drop in at each other’s houses every morning to play ‘Delinquent Husband’ are likely to give a cool reception to a new nieighbour who wants to play ‘Sunny Side Up’. If they are saying how mean their husbands are, it is too disconcerting to have a newcomer declare that her husband is just marvellous, in fact perfect, and they will not keep her long.”
If you’ve ever wondered why you don’t get along with a certain group of people (whether at work or socially), the answer is probably that you’re simply not playing the same game as them.
Any of these games sound familiar?
So let’s move on to take a look at some of the specific games now.
A nice little one to start with is called quite simply ‘Lunch Bag’. This is an example of the kind of fairly harmless game that we all play every day in order to manipulate the world around us so that it satsifies our own likings and requirements.
“The husband, who can well afford to have lunch at a good restaurant, nevertheless makes himself a few sandwiches every morning, which he takes to the office in a paper bag… This gives him complete control over the family finances, for what wife would dare buy herself a mink stole in the face of such self-sacrifice? The husband reaps numerous other advantages, such as the privilege of eating lunch by himself and catching up on his work during lunch hour.”
‘Debtor’ is a game that most of us play when we get a mortgage. Although we may wish them gone and feel their weight in economic down times, they are actually a positive thing that give us a sense of purpose in life. “Most of the time they play a mild game of ‘If It Weren’t For the Debts’, but otherwise enjoy themselves.”
‘Kick Me’. “This is played by men whose social manner is equivalent to wearing a sign that reads ‘Please Don’t Kick Me’.” People who meet him just can’t resist the temptation to give him a metaphorical kick at which point he moans that the sign says ‘don’t kick me’. He can then play the game ‘Why Does This Always Happen To Me’ which is a game of one-upmanship where the man with the best set of misfortunes wins… ‘There I Go Again’ is another game in the ‘Kick Me’ family that is popular with depressives.
‘Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch’ is played by people who search out opportunities to get angry with other people as a way of letting out the “pent-up furies of many years”. Any time they have even a tiny reason to feel that someone has done some injustice against them - however trivial - they will attack them with fury. People who play this game may well have played it as child as well. It is a common one for children.
‘See What You Made Me Do’ is a game played by people who like to be left alone. It is also used by people who don’t like to take responsibility for decisions, preferring to blame other people when things go wrong. It us often used by managers, for example, or by parents who ‘kindly’ allow their partner to make decisions about the children but then blame them for anything that goes wrong.
‘Harried’ is a game played by the harried housewife. “If she already feels harassed, she makes the day even more harried.”
“She takes on everything that comes, and even asks for more. She agrees with her husband’s criticisms, and accepts all her children’s demands. If she has to entertain at dinner, she not only feels she must function impeccably as a conversationalist… interior decorator, caterer, glamour girl, virgin queen and diplomat; she will also volunteer that morning to bake a cake and take the children to the dentist.”
Played out to the extreme, this game can lead to exhaustion, collapse and nervous breakdown.
‘Sweetheart’ is a marital game where the husband will often put his wife down or criticize her in public but in a hidden and polite way. He will then finish his anecdote about her with something along the lines of ‘Isn’t that right, sweetheart?.
The woman is normally somebody with a depressive tendency who “married him precisely because she knew he would perform this service for her: exposing her deficiencies and thus saving her from the embarrassment of having to expose them herself. Her parents accommodated her the same way when she was little.”
People who are insecure sometimes play the game called ‘Blemish’ as a way of offering themselves some reassurance. They will only feel comfortable with someone once they have found their blemishes, weaknesses or something that they are not good at. “It has the internal psychological advantage of warding off depression, and the external psychological advantage of avoiding the intimacy which might expose White’s own blemishes.”
We all move between Child, Parent and Adult states of being with others
Another peculiar habit of human beings according to Eric Berne is the way we can act in and move between three different ego states: Child, Adult and Parent.
The Child is the part of you that feels upset if you’re left out, told off or talked down to - but it’s also the part of you that’s fun-loving and spontaneous. Our Child states often take us back to experiences we had when we were young that still echo. We may also slip into this mode if we want to avoid responsibility or be looked after by others.
At other times we may act from the ego state of the Parent where we tend to act instinctively in ways our parents would have acted, take on a paternal role or - more negatively - act in a bossy or even condescending fashion towards others.
Finally, in an Adult state, we are more objective and mature, appraising the situation and acting in a responsible adult fashion.
On many occasions we may also give the outward appearance that we are acting in one of the states while underneath we are perhaps really playing out our more childlike emotions and desires. This is often the case at work, for example, when an adult conversation masks the childlike acts of revenge, insecurity and a desire to win.
Right, I’m off to play some more games…
Of course we all play games. It’s what makes us so playfully and imaginatively human.
Maybe like would even get boring if we all acted perfectly and were nice to each other all the time!
Right. Work done. I’m off to play What Other Jobs Can I Do to Justify My Existence…
