Posted on 22 Apr, 2009 -
Why do we hide our deepest emotions from our friends?
* How many people really have a good idea about the subtle mix and flow of emotions that are happening in you at any time?
* Some psychotherapy exercises to help you better understand the true nature of the emotions or issues you’re going through right now
* Think about the ways in which you act and what they might mean about you
Oh, hello Jen. How are you?
Oh, fine thanks, Helen. How are you?
Yeah… Fine… Not so bad. Is Kevin alright?
Yeah...
And go goes the average conversation when two friends meet or bump into each other in the street. But as they say in the psychotherapy world, ‘fine’ (f.i.n.e) actually stands for (please excuse the language theirs not mine): F**ked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.
Not, of course, that we are all miserable emotional wrecks most of the time. But the point I want to make is how little most of us actually talk about our deepest emotions, desires or hang-ups even to our closest friends.
We rarely know how depressed, perturbed or struggling each other are
So WHY are we hiding our feelings?
About 2 in 3 adults have depression at some time in their life, apparently. And we ALL suffer from a constant array of emotions every year ranging from pride, elation, eager anticipation and love through to anger, disappointment and sadness to name but a few. But how seldom to people really talk about their states of mind with each other?
Indeed, to what extent could you say that anybody in your life really has a good idea about the subtle mix and flow of emotions that are happening in you at any time even, perhaps your partner?
Suppressing negative emotions is something we do every day to be polite. We also don’t want to bore people. And in many cases people feel embarrassed by how they feel and what they think and even believe that they are so different from others that they’d be outcast if others knew the truth.
There is also, of course, the fact that we do not actually always know how we are feeling ourselves. Sure we know about it in as much as it is happening inside of us. But we might not be able to put a name to how we feel or even describe it that accurately beyond saying ‘not good’.
But then how well do we really understand the emotions or issues that are currently going on inside ourselves?
In most forms of counselling and psychotherapy, a lot of emphasis is put on helping clients to accurately describe how they feel and I believe we could all benefit from doing this more in our everyday lives. If we have a certain ongoing troublesome theme in our emotional existence then it could be essential.
It is not so much a case of finding the perfect or correct words but rather taking the time to really explore how we are feeling. Often, for example, we know that we are not feeling happy but we’re not actually sure why. Other times we might feel perhaps agitated without even being sure whether it is positive or negative.
So where do we start?
1. By taking a closer look at our thoughts and feelings and perhaps giving them a name
2. By examining our behaviors and asking ourselves what they might mean
3. By asking ourselves where it is that most of our attention is focused
In 3, for example, we can learn a lot about our emotional position or state right now if we take a look at the topics and thoughts that are central in the daily semi-conscious chatterings of our mind. If you’re feeling a certain way that you don’t like or is making you feel a bit unhappy or down, examine what it is that your mind is most focused on at the moment.
What are you obsessed about? What can’t you let go of? What do you really want that you can’t have? What is driving you up the wall or dragging your mood down?
Putting a name to the emotion you’re feeling could be liberating and illuminating
So how exactly are you feeling at the moment?
One simple thing you can do is to run it by this list of common human emotions given in text books:
Angry, Anxious, Ashamed, Disappointed, Embarrassed, Envious, Guilty, Hurt, Jealous, Sad
To which I am sure we can add a few not least because most of these (for obvious reasons) are negative:
In love, confused, grief-stricken, excited, hopeful, spiteful, apprehensive, insufficient… and the list goes on.
Another exercise you can try in a bid to understand what’s going on deep inside you is to complete a statement sentence such as this one used by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Simply fill in the blanks…
I feel __________________ (name of emotion) about __________________ (theme or event that causes emotion) which leads me to ___________________________ (description of behaviour).
For example: I feel angry about my failed relationship which leads me to drink heavily. Or:
I feel disappointed with myself whenever I think about my work leading me to lose confidence and want to give up.
Another method which I like from Gestalt Therapy involves standing up, striking a pose and stating how you feel. I advise being alone before you attempt this one and to ready for unusual outcomes!
But please, do give it a try. The results can be amazing.
Are negative emotions or reactions always ‘wrong’?
Of course, not even the negative emotions are necessarily unhealthy. Sometimes they are essential reactions to life’s events. Yet it is often also the case, however, that we can make ourselves feel negative emotions when we shouldn’t or far more keenly than we should.
Normally, as we have discussed before, it is the things that we have been thinking/telling ourselves that lead to unhealthy emotions. Indeed, whenever you are feeling a bit low or anxious or confused, the first thing you should do is to ask yourself what ideas or opinions in your head are making yourself feel this way.
The second thing you should do is to question whether these thoughts or opinions about a certain situation are justified or rational. It is often the case that if you are feeling more anxious or upset than you should that you have been blowing things out of proportion or being more negative about the situation than is true.
Analysing the ways in which you act whether it’s shyness, anger, avoidance or other
When it comes to analysing the ways in which we are acting, it is interesting how we often come to wrong conclusions about our behavior or what our behavior means because we are too quick to give an explanation without exploring deeper.
As adults we seem to think that we should give clear reasons for our actions while children are much more likely to admit that they don’t know, for example, why they just knocked an ice-cream out of their sister’s hand.
When analysing your own behavior whether it’s over-eating chocolate, extreme shyness, avoiding people you know or even a specific person… over-working, procrastinating or any other it is a good idea to explore the various possible reasons without forcing or expecting yourself to decide on which is definitely the cause.
More good might come from exploring and leaving the question open.
Moving on from unhealthy emotions to setting goals for change. Part 2 coming up in a later email…
So this may be a good time to ask yourself whether there is an underlying emotion or emotional problem or theme that is haunting your life at the moment? And whether, perhaps, you’d like that emotional reaction to be fixed? Whether there is a different way you’d like to feel as an alternative?
The first step, of course, is in accepting that the emotions you’re making yourself feel can be changed and indeed that you at least have to take some responsibility for making yourself feel how you do.
It is always tempting to feel that it is our life that is making us feel how we do while a large part is of course about how we react to our life and how we allow it to affect us.
Change, of course, is not an easy thing. It comes with many challenges and pitfalls as we will be exploring in my next email coming up on the subject.
Wishing you fruitful explorations in the meantime!
