Posted on 12 Sep, 2008 -
Why Your Kids Wind You Up
4 Secrets to NOT getting wound up by your children - and being more sensitive to their real needs too
Well, that’s another six weeks of summer holiday with the kids survived, surmounted and now packed away in a pile of ironing that brings tears to my eyes and a collection of photographs that perhaps look even happier, sunnier and more colourful than the times themselves.
And I am in fact happy to report that it all went a lot more smoothly and less painfully than I had predicted. I am not ashamed to admit that I am not the most self-sacrificing, child-adoring, Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses-playing mother around. (I pacify my guilt with the hope that I have other qualities that make up for it.) But I did have the fortune this year of stumbling across a book that has done more to help me resist the urge to strangle the little darlings than anything else I’ve ever read.
It’s a book by Bonnie Harris called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and I would certainly recommend it to anyone who has children of any age. For the meantime, however, I thought I’d summarise for you in four main points, the most important messages from it that particularly struck me:
ONE. ACCEPT the traits in them that wind you up instead of constantly fighting against them.
The truth is that almost all children exhibit behaviours that will wind you up a treat if you let them. Yet the surest thing to make the matter worse is to be constantly wishing that they weren’t like that or trying to make them behave differently. Our natural reaction to difficult behaviour from our children is to take it personally. To let it wind us up. But if we try and accept that this is how they are instead of just wishing that they weren’t, we can either learn to live with it better and or help them deal with it better.
The example that Bonnie gives in her book is of a child of her own that was always so difficult to deal with in the morning. Once Bonnie had accepted the fact that her child felt unhappy, grumpy and insecure first thing in the morning, however, it was much better for both of them.
Stop thinking ‘Why does she behave like this?, ‘What’s wrong with him?’ or ‘How can I stop her from being like this?’. Start thinking ‘This is how he is. How can I help him?’ One of my daughters, for example, reacts very emotionally to everything and is always crying about what I see to be the smallest of ‘silly’ things. Since I have read this book, I now find it much easier just to soothe her whenever she gets upset instead of over-reacting with anger.
TWO. We know what’s going on in our own lives and heads - but do we know what’s going on in theirs?
What’s going on in your life and head at any moment will have a big impact on the way you react to your children and the demands you make on them. If you’ve just opened a horrendous unexpected bill and you’re five minutes late for the school run, for example, you’re unlikely to be the most patient or understanding mother. And your child, of course, has “agendas” like this too. For a child trying to build a tower of bricks, for example, putting those last two bricks on may be the most important thing in the world and your refusal to let him finish the most unreasonable behaviour he’s ever encountered. If an older child snaps at you unnecessarily, spare a thought to what might be going on in his world rather than just merely taking it personally.
What we say to our children - or the way in which we say it - is influenced by things such as how tired we feel, the problem we’re currently having at work or whether we’re currently feeling bad about ourselves. The way our children act with or talk to us is influenced by how they are feeling right now, whether things are going well or badly at school - or whether they really don’t like baked beans making their toast soggy.
“The more you are able to put aside your personal agenda for the moment of interaction - and thus be more objective, calm and focused - the better you will be able to see your child’s need and point of view.”
“Think what you would sound like if your were your child. Would you want to listen to you?”
THREE. If they’re winding you up, remember that two things are going on here
Firstly, if they’re winding you up, from your side of the equation it’s because they’re pushing your buttons. The way you are reacting may well be because the way they’re treating you or what they’re saying is hitting painful or sensitive spots that really get to you personally. Are they, for example, treating you as if you don’t matter just as everyone has always done? Are they challenging the idea you have that children should always do what you say? Are they forcing you to feel like an even worse parent? Does your child make you feel that you’re being taken for granted? Does their behaviour feed into pain that you had in the past?
The other thing to remember is that from their side of the equation, they’re almost certainly not trying to deliberately wind you up to make you feel bad. They’re probably just trying to communicate with you in the only way they know how. And they’re probably trying to get a message to you that something is up with them.
Next time a child says “I hate you”, “I hate this dinner” or behaves in ‘that way’, try not to take it personally but to work out instead what’s going on with them.
FOUR. It’s OK to ‘back down’ sometimes
Many of us feel that if we have told our children they must do something, then they should do it simply because we have told them to and that we should not listen to their arguments against the idea and certainly should never back down or allow them to ‘get away with it’. We seem to have the idea that children should always do what they are told - probably taken directly from our own parents and never actually questioned. But isn’t that denying them any respect, autonomy, intelligence or personal rights at all? Shouldn’t we be as respectful of them and their ideas and feelings as we expect them to be of us and ours? After all, their negotiations are often very sound and we should allow them to be right when they are…
Next week: Why it’s OK to be a terrible, over-emotional parent…
